"Hello viewers, my name is Cedric Fortesque-Bagshott and I am here to do your monthly audit return."

Have you met this man? He is often seen hanging around colleges and arrives unnannounced to try and catch you off guard. He loves sticking his nose into your data and lives on enrolment data, ILRs and anything that has money attached.

He is in short a bloody pest. He's here of course checking up before the inspectors arrive on Monday so he can pass on anything he thinks looks 'dodgy' so they can then stick their noses into also.

Never seen a class in his life, Cedric the Leech here is on £46,000 a year, free health care, use of LSC car, and a 10% of salary annual bonus earned on the backs of us hard working teachers.

Don't it make you want to weep brothers and sisters?

3 more working days before the inspectors hit our shores.
Tin helmets on, schemes of work at the ready, were going in.

Billy

xxx

Now only 14 days from Earth.

The aliens from OFSTED are just waking up from their hypersleep.

Panick has turned to chaos here in FE Land. More bollockings for staff who haven't done what they should have done.

Oh dear...thank Christ its weekend.

Billy

xxx

One of my spies has said that the LSC are now active watchers of this blog!
How good is that - BBD must be getting right up their bean-counting noses so, excellent, democracy rules OK. How are things in LSC land then? Still bleeding Colleges dry of vital funding?
Still churning out all that nonsensical red-tape and mind-numbing reports, now with less staff?

Are you just about to announce new cuts to the FE budget?
Well good on yer. Hope things are well in Coventry and you are looking forward to our big OFSTED jambouree here is Gods own Country.

keep reading you might learn something.

Billy

xxx

Captains log Stardate 8 3 2006.
Inspection takes place 27th March, only 19 days away.
Vice Principal Scotty is in the engine room tuning up the engines while the teaching crew rush round in a frenzy swapping schemes of work and session plans.

The painters have moved in, as have the window cleaners, gardeners and the notice-board mechanics. The cracked windows in Flight Officer Ripleys English workshop have been fixed and new desks and chairs have arrived for the library.

Its flippin mad crazy blinkin bonkers. Meetings, more meetings, and data checks. Must get back to the grindstone.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the FE Galaxy, having defeated the Klingons of the LSC and the Romulan Auditors last week, the crew of the FE College Enterprise have just learned of their latest challenge. Their ship is to be OFSTEDDED in three weeks time.
Captain James T Kirk, Principal knows he is in deep trouble and has asked for full support of his crew over the next 4 weeks. No sleep till Easter.
Vice Principal Scotty, "She will nae take any more Captain, i have nae got the powerrrrr."
Kirk, "Scotty, I need the college back on line, theres an OFSTED Fleet arriving in T - 21 days and we need maximum warp."
Scotty, " I'll try my best Captain but I'm goin tae need 48 days minimum to replace the di-lithium crystals and re-configure the warp engines."
Kirk, "Youve got 15 working days to do the work and prepare the ship for battle speed Scotty, can you do it?"
Scotty, "Captain, it will nae be enough, I'll need all lesson plans and schemes of work down to engineering by 0600 if were to stand any chance at all."
Kirk, " You'll have all those schemes Scotty and anything else, if ive to write all of them myself." (As they are about as scare as di-lithium crystals in our college.)

But of course, Kirk being Kirk, being the shite communicator that he is, farms out all the work to his beloved crew including yours truly and toddles off himself to play golf.

Aye just like Scotty is, we are in deep shite alright. OFSTED Battle Fleet 21 days away and approaching at lightspeed. Will we survive or will we be sucked out into the vaccuum of a black hole in deep space?
Aye well what can yez expect eh? I think I'd rather take the black hole thanks.

Found out that our Chief Inspector is some guy called, ahem, Mr D VADER. Heard O him?

Only time will tell how our intrepid college superhero's cope with all the stress of it all.
The signs are already showing. GRADE FOURS ALL ROUND :-(Pass the vallium will you...

Love Billy

xxx